I haven’t been weighing in every single day. It isn’t a conscious thing – I just don’t think about it some mornings. The last time I checked, I was down 83 pounds.
Here’s the thing. My mind hasn’t caught up to my body. I don’t see myself as someone only 22 pounds from my ultimate goal weight. I don’t see a girl that belongs in petite small tops, or size 2-4 pants. I see the disaster I started out as, back in July of 2013. I had just gotten off my PTSD medication due to an allergic reaction (and thank goodness since it contributed strongly to the gain, killed my short term memory, and really messed up my head), gotten out of a really bad situation, and was about the least healthy I’ve ever been. It was sort of the end of one of the lowest time periods of my life.
But you know what? I am almost an AFTER. This is it. Q4 is two weeks away. I somehow believe that I’m going to hit my year long goal, on time (07/02/14). All of my negative self talk, and pessimistic shit aside, I’m going to do it. I know it.
So. Why am I going on about this? Because I need to change. Change my thinking, change how I see myself (even now – I’m down over 80 pounds, that’s no small accomplishment), change my fail lack of self esteem.
I started by taking out all of the now too big clothes from my closet. Earlier this month I treated myself to 3 pairs of jeans that fit, as well as a nice vegan peacoat. I don’t need to hide behind my baggy clothes anymore. In fact, I look pretty silly when I do. That was my first step.
Next up is something I just did this week. I deactivated my BodyMedia subscription. The arm band came off. Man, that felt weird! I have nothing bad to say about the company. I owe them a lot in my journey. Sure, it could be argued that there was no reason to take it off – that it can just keep me on track. And that would be true, except that this is about change. I need to know this new version of myself without constantly monitoring every move I make. I took it off for the last time, and pinned it to my cork wall. It can always be reactivated if need be. For now, it is where it needs to be. And look, hasn’t been on in days and I’m still alive.
As one journey comes to an end here soon, another one is just beginning. I look forward to seeing where it leads!